Friday, July 22, 2016

Make Indycar Great Again

**This piece is designed as a platform for a bid to be CEO of Indycar. Now, Imagine Donald Trump has been a key figure in Indycar since 1979. Here are some of the things he would campaign on**

"GOOD EVENING! Wow, Indianapolis is a great city. I love you. I really do.

Okay, before we begin, I first want to take a moment and pause to play Indycar’s commemorative anthem.


                        

That’s terrific stuff. I helped write that with Gene Simmons and some others guys. Great stuff.

Now, let’s get to the important stuff. I want to Make Indycar Great Again! For too long now, we have suffered through divisions, splits and tempers. Crooked Tony George is a phony. He talks like has your back, but he’s no better than any of those losers in the Hulman George Company. Frankly, they should be taken to the woodshed. Indycar would prosper like you would never believe if I was running it. Believe me. We would be so much better off in my hands. We would do so many great things, so many great things. Believe me.

No one trusts Tony George! I mean, if you talk to anyone, ANYONE, they say I get things done. I get along with everyone. I get along with USAC, CART, Champ Car, IRL, Ed Carpenter.. Speaking of which, how many people can honestly say they get along with Ed Carpenter? I mean really an endorsement from him is like getting an endorsement from the neighbor who deflates your ball if you kick it into his yard. I am proud to have the support of Ed. He's a wonderful guy.

My opponent always criticizes me for be one of the leaders behind filing for bankruptcy under the old Champ Car label. Listen, I don’t expect Tony George to know everything, but filing for bankruptcy was the smartest thing I could do. It is there to protect your assets in case things turn south, and I made a lot of money, believe me, a lot of money. And you got those morons over at ABC saying that it was a greedy move and yadda yadda yadda. They're a total disgrace, they should be banned from television. Eddie Cheever Jr. is a disgrace. Every time he opens his mouth I swear I just hear quacking. Plus he's kind of ugly. He deserves an asterisk for winning the Indy 500 while all the good drivers were in CART. I mean, am I wrong? He's disgraceful. Listening to NBCSN, they are totally professional and have long been supporters of Trump. Robin Miller predicted the calamity following The Split and I told Robin, there’s gotta be a better way. We let the most unqualified person in the Hulman George Company completely ruining racing.

We also need to toughen up our borders. Have you read the news recently? I mean seriously, we have guys like Pastor Maldonado coming into this country and attempting to race in Indycar. Who let this guy in?! This was a failed policy of Tony and Mary George, the same people who allowed Hiro Matsushita, Milka Duno, and other unauthorized people into the country. We have no idea who is coming to race in Indycar and it is a disaster! Whether people come in legally or not, we need to toughen our borders so guys like Pastor don’t come into our series. This would never happen under my command, believe me. Just believe me.



If we just built a wall around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, or maybe all of Indianapolis, and enforced strict patrols around the complex, we could protect our great facility at IMS and all of Indianapolis from the failed drivers like Pastor Maldonado. I've gotten endorsements from the Indiapolis Motor Speedway and the IMS Boarder Control. Tony George has the endorsement of that old saddle bag Mary Hulman George, go figure, and benefactors of the system like Dennis Vitolo.


How can we stop this?! BUILD THE WALL. BUILD THE WALL. It will be so high and we will make the Venezuelans pay for it, believe me.

Political correctness is also ruining this sport. You got guys getting run off the track by idiots, and after the race they have beers and laugh about it. It’s stupid, it’s not authentic, it’s a joke. Emotions are a great thing and seeing drivers meet in the parking lot after a race would be an instant success. AJ Foyt is a great example of how one can speak their mind. Don't be a Charlie Kimball. His comments to the media are disgraceful. He goes out there and fails to hit the pace car, but manages to hit everything else, and everyone gets mad at him, but then he talks about how blue the sky is and how his ninth place finish was so great. Disgraceful. Believe me, it would be so much better under my leadership. Believe me.

In closing, I think it is about time we ousted Tony George from Indycar altogether. He has ruined this sport to the point where others series’ laugh at us. Look at NASCAR. NASCAR is a complete disgrace to racing. I don’t what the hell they are trying to do with competition cautions and caution clocks, but it’s just a disgrace. Yet, they not only took a big bite out of the Indycar apple, they just took the apple altogether. I promise to never do stupid policies like competition cautions in Indycar, I will strengthen the borders, I will take this sport to new heights, just show up in November to vote! God Bless, and Vote Trump!"


*Note: this is not a sign of my political affiliations, Trump is an easy target to write a parody about :)*

Thanks for reading!

-Matthew Hickey

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